


Not Funny

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Civil War II Inspiration, Flexible Reality, Gen, Manipulative Avengers, Manipulative Nick Fury, More importantly Tony Stark Has A Brain, Not A Fix-It, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony-centric, What A Twist!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: I have no idea what this is - maybe it's a sarcasm-laden rant, maybe it's an attempt at humor, maybe it's crack taken seriously. I have no idea, but it starts with a Tony who just wants a sandwich and some serious caffeine. One more thing - this fic is rated Teen solely for the fact it is full of profanity. So...yeah.





	

“Give me the date Friday.” A minute and then the entirely too cheerful voice of his new(ish) digital maid(?)/butler(?) replies, “It’s  November 13th, 2019 Boss and you need a break. Don’t make me call Ms. Potts again.” Yeah, no that woman was entirely too gung-ho about bawling a guy out over… um… guess that train of thought has derailed. It’s not hard to see why as a quick glance shows a lab that looks like it was run through by barbarians. Plus he might possibly be a bit funky and going by the rather frightening sounds of his gut he should get a sandwich or something. Hell, when was the last time he had something to eat?

With a groan and a sound that spines probably shouldn’t make Tony manages to make it to his feet. November 13th – three years since the absolute clusterfuck of a shaggy dog tale that was the Accords/”Civil War” and things were still as fucked over as ever. It’s why he’s practically moved into his lab, but fuck it all that was in the past and he was definitely not still saltier than the Dead fucking Sea. Why would he be? Like sure he was basically a pariah in his own fucking house, and there was the horrific damage to his already weakened septum and rib cage. Also, the death threats and handful of assassination attempts on his life - not that any of that was actually new.

Really, there was no real reason to be pissed outside of the fact none of this had to happen if Rogers could have pulled his head out of his perfectly shaped ass long enough to listen. And yeah he should probably take a nap or go the hell outside if he’s cataloging Roger’s ass. Like don’t get him wrong it’s a very presentable ass, but he doesn’t – actually he should probably put a pin in this discussion if not trash it outright. Still, he has no reason to be soul-alteringly bitter… except for the fact, people were treating him like he was in the wrong. And fuck that nonsense. He followed the laws, he bent over backwards, he was a good little fucker – but apparently, that isn’t good enough. Case in point is how all talking ceases as he exits the elevator onto the common room floor.

It’s fucking creepy and has the hair at his nape standing up. Honestly, if not for the whole “per the decision of this council” thing where he had to stay with the Renegades or see their second chance be snatched away… but sometimes he wonders why the hell he bothers. Whatever, not gonna start a fight. Just going to get a drink – maybe an espresso? And something to eat like a-a bagel sandwich? They had to still have cream cheese and maybe a bit of that caviar or lox – did they have chives and watercress? If Rhodney were here he’d be making so many jokes, but Rhodney hates the Renegades and because people like him he doesn’t have to stay here biting his tongue. Oh well, no point in both of them suffering.

“Stark.” Stiffening would do horrible things to his back, so he does his best to remain loose and still. Still, fuck this. Little Miss Pyschopants wants her daily bitchfit apparently. And like he gets it, really. Like Batman her parents are dead, but fuck if he’s Voldemort. Magical shenanigans belong to that other bearded guy with the quips and attitude. Or it would if magic were real, but magic is not real because fuck you not!Merlin. Definitely need a nap. What? Oh right um… no. Dead parents suck and Ultron was a thing – a thing she worked with so fuck her anyway. Also wasn’t Lagos her fault? And didn’t she work with Hydra?  Where are the good knives?

Grabbing a plate and the last of the cream cheese (w/chives) along with something that might be fish (and probably isn’t spoiled) Tony gathers a spoon and then sets the espresso machine. “Stark.” And Karazi McLoosecannon is entirely too close. Like there is an entire three feet between them, but she also dropped a lot of cars on top of him. Plus there was that whole thing with Bruce, Bruce who has still not come back yet. Still Tony is not going to start a fight – because Vision is the sulkiest of sulkers when people go off on his crazy-pants girlfriend– and damn if his Kool red ass isn’t already starting to pout. Which actually… if Vision is like four and Wanda might as well be a tantrum throwing five-year-old – ew. No, no that’s a bad thought. Fuck-buddies with adult bodies and childish minds and hell to the no.

Blinking Tony congratulates himself on somehow managing to make two sandwiches and find a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. However, the espresso machine hates him, because it is taking entirely too damn long. Which is fine – everyone and thing hates him because in a past life he must have been Pol Pot or Hitler maybe Mussolini…. potentially Stalin. Did Stalin have a beard? Or was it just a mustache? Maybe Lenin had the beard? He really needs that damn coffee –or like a nice cup of alcohol with a splash of coffee for flavor. Also, creepy waifish chicks staring at him with doleful eyes are creepy. Maybe he can just like come back for the caffeine or order some caffeine. No. No, it’s the principle of the thing. Also, Rogers is blocking the path to the elevator.

Actually, damn. Rogers is blocking the best path to the elevator. Barton is blocking the way to the damn stairwell. Natalie is covering the next best path to the elevator and Vision is wearing his stubborn face. Vision is a damn traitor and therefore extremely disappointing. Creators before betrayers is like the ultimate bro law. Then again Vision is like four and this sandwich is amazing – also the crisps are making his throat a bit dry. He really should have just grabbed a mountain dew and skedaddled or hell left for a walk to get something… yeah, no last time he did that he managed to cause a small riot. Fuck.

In the meanwhile, la Bruja has managed to edge her scrawny little ass entirely too damn close. And if she touches him he is going to stab her – of course, he’s holding a damn spoon, but it’s a really nice metal spoon. Besides which he’s a damn engineer, he knows better than anyone that it’s all about _leverage_ – that and like um… Those poor thought people in their horribly derailed thought train – oh the thoughtmanity… Rhodney was right – caffeine has become his mental crutch and he is totally going to work on making that not a thing anymore. Right after he gets this cup because of deeply important reasons based on depth. “Stark.”

Staring pointedly into space while throwing ever more frequent looks at the machine (which at this point may actually be running backwards) Tony ignores the ever living fuck out of Wanda. Why wouldn’t he? He is a master ignoring things – nay he is **THE** Master of ignoring things be they health concerns or his incredibly shitty circle of acquaintances. Does the Mind Stone have the ability to fuck with reality because his cup of liquid heart attack should definitely be done by now? Maybe if he stares at the machine hard enough it will speed up. He just has to believe enough. ‘Like you believed you could one day impress your father into loving you? Or like you believed you could build a family with the broken people making up the Avengers?’ Okay, so maybe Pep was on to something when she suggested therapy. Like he can totally build a functional therapist probably… because like all things are possible or something.

And Wanda is _touch_ ing him, but Natasha is holding his wrist and he may have to bite someone. That godforsaken voice that sounds like Howard’s old accountant pet kindly informs him that doing so has a 96% chance of leading to his jaw being broken. That, however, means there is still a 4% chance of not getting a broken jaw and damn if he isn’t feeling anxious enough to try his luck. Of course, he has like seriously shitty luck – which is why he should have gone for the liquor he totally doesn’t have stashed in his lab nest. Like he has coffee-flavor liquor, right? Right.

“Tony – it’s okay.”  The Witch honestly looks like she believes that. He is not going to laugh in her face, but he may possibly call for his armor and also have Friday riddle a couple of individuals with lead. The elevator opens and Barnes walks out laughing with Wilson. To their credit they immediate recognize that something is not on the up and up. Bonus points should probably be given because Natalie has let him go while Wanda has backed up a bit. He can totally make a run for it now… or he could if the machine would just - “Ding.” He is not going to cry, he really isn’t – although his brown eyes are glistening from holding tears back. “Halle-goddamn-lujah.”

Filling a cup entirely three sizes too big Tony giggles as he makes up his drink and then begins hauling ass toward the elevator. He is so gonna owe He Who Wanders and the Pararescue Kid, but for now, he is – running face first into Captain Asshole’s brick wall of a chest. “Tony, Wanda has something she needs to say to you and honestly it’s time we all had a talk.” See when Captain Fuckwit talks like that it sounds so fucking reasonable, and that is why no one has fed him his own balls yet. Because honestly Rogers is like the least reasonable fucker on the planet and yet people flock to him. So, “What the hell was in that super serum? Some Elder Scrolls shit? Jedi shenanigans? Pure undiluted narcissism-based cult of personality? Not that you have much of a personality. I mean self-righteousness and being a stubborn cuss do not a personality make Rogers.”

Huh, yeah those were definitely words that came out of his mouth. Fuck. At least Barnes is entertained and Wilson seems to be hiding a bit of a smile. Natalie is rather less amused, but Natalie is a lying liar who lies and wouldn’t know how not to backstab people if you acted it out with fucking finger puppets. And really all things considered he is totally not bitter regarding certain spies and their perchance to destroy his ability to goddamn trust anything or one. It is, however, possible that he is lying to himself, but really people lie to themselves all the time. How else could Wanda have the audacity to try and lecture him on being a decent person? It’s not like he worked for goddamn **_Hydra_** or anything.

“Stark – Tony, I want… I know that we did not meet under the best circumstances. You did not handle your guilt from murdering my family well, but I did not handle my grief from losing them well.  We both failed to be adults about the complicated situation. But that is in the past, and we need to work toward a better future as a group.” At least that’s the best he can figure out the mush dribbling from her mouth courtesy of the fake!Russian excuse of an accent she has. Like damn! The 1980s want their Eastern European stereotypical accent back – also like that accent is so fucking racist against Eastern Europeans and Racism is **bad** and that means Wanda is a **bad** person. Also, the sky is blue, grass is green, Rogers and his team are massive asshats.  Other assorted facts… “I am too sleep deprived to deal with this,  so let’s agree to never speak to or even towards each other ever again. ‘Kay? Thanks. Bye!”

And his feet are not actually touching the ground. In other news, Tony may soon be running a very serious experiment to see if Vision can survive having an Infinity Gem ripped out of his head. Like JARVIS would totally understand, and honestly, Vision did what he what he was born to do. Ultron has been dead for like ages man, and now its Vision’s turn…maybe. Can a four-year-old be pussywhipped? “Don’t be disgusting Stark. I am trying to be open with you, okay? I understand that you are upset right now. It is very difficult to lose one’s parents and sometimes it takes a person to a very dark place. That said you do not have to deal with this alone – I and the others are here for you and we will get through this together.”

It takes a minute because of the simply horrific mental pile-up of things he wants to say (more like shout or scream or howl) but eventually he manages a very calm: “Since fucking when psychobitch?!” Also, he manages an elbow into Vision’s stupid face thereby escaping his grasp. Dusting off his knees he stands up (briefly mourning his lost drink and silently swearing to avenge it) as he slowly circles his way toward the elevator doors. “Reject Stark’s elevator rights code Alpha-Theta-one-one-four-Delta.” A beat of silence and then, “Sorry boss. Access denied.”  Throwing up his arms Tony seriously considers accessing the Alamo subroutine and then blaming Russian Hackers for all the dead bodies. He can totally fake all the evidence he needs.

Instead, he decides to behave like a law-abiding adult who is not actually a murderer (killing terrorists is like totally not murder bro) and ask the really important question. “Who in the fuck gave you permission to bogart my privileges, Rogers? I am the Warden and the Gatekeeper, you are the remorseful penitent depended on my generosity. Or to put it in terms you’ll better understand; me Tarzan, you punk bitch.” Rogers’ face manages to look both completely appalled and also deeply amused. It’d be amazing but he is literally a super man and, so of course, he has a super face. Did that sound weird? That sounds really weird. Oh well.

“Language”, and following that voice he catches Natalie smirking like she just told the best joke or like they’re friends or some other alien concept. Yeah, no. “Fuck your tone policing Natalie.”And there goes that stupid ass smirk. Even better Barton flinches and Wilson winches in sync with the superhuman duo. ‘Cool, let’s go for fucking broke.’ “In fact fuck all this bullshit. Nobody gave a flying fuck before that my parents have been dead since I was like seventeen. Besides which the real newsflash is that Rogers apparently opened his damn mouth about this.” Swinging around to poke his finger in Rogers’ stupidly perfect face results in said super soldier actually stepping back with his hands raised. Good.

“For a guy who hates when his teammates don’t tell him things he’s pretty damn good about keeping his mouth regarding super important issues – like murdered parents. Really, it’s a wonder the poor fucker can eat enough to stay functional he’s so damn closed mouth.” Pausing to pant (and how fucking old is he that such a relatively short rant has him desperate for air. Shit if his doctor finds out she is going to be up his ass and around the corner. Then again she might let him off ‘cause he’s about to hyperventilate himself into the hospital. Shit is he having a panic attack? “Calm down man.” If Wilson really wanted him to calm down he’d stop fucking touching him. Like that would help a lot.

“It’d be easier to calm down if Rogers didn’t have override codes, you guys would stop boxing me in, and the last five to six years had never happened. Get off me.” Wilson just manages to hold back a grimace, but he has enough decency to step back. Rogers, of course, does not and immediately moves to take up the space just vacated. “Tony. Tony? It’s fine. Pepper gave me the code and it’s a one-time deal. Okay? She agreed that we need to talk even if Rhodes didn’t.” There shouldn’t be anything left to break, but the fact he’s been betrayed again by someone who promised to have his back hurts. She knows what Rogers did and she still gave him that much control. Fuck. After he finishes this and gets these assholes out of his tower she is going to have to go. 

Swallowing a sob Tony blinks away the hurt before settling a glare on Rogers. “You should have listened to Rhodney. There is nothing to talk about – especially since this talk consists of trying to plaster over everything wrong with us as a unit. Bruce was right to call us an explosive mix, an explosive mix that’s gone toxic since you added in little Ms. Grudge over here.” That last remark has Barton stepping forward with a frown as his fist clench so hard his knuckles are left white. “Hey! You ought to be thankful she even wants to play nice considering everything you’ve done to her. She-” “Okay, so are you fucking her?’Cause what the hell Barton?” Throwing up his hands Barton groans before burying his hands in his (thinning) hair.

“Why are always so disgusting Stark? She’s like my little sister.”  Right. That totally makes sense and isn’t creepy as hell. “The fuck she is – how would that even work out?”  Vision seems like he would also like to know how this works, aww looking at the budding jealousy.  Barton must be smarter than he acts because he throws a quick glance at Vision before all but growling at the shorter engineer. “It works out Stark because her brother died saving me from your Murderbot.” There is a dark little voice that would dearly like to point out that _actually_ if the little freak was fast enough and strong enough to move a car then he was fast enough and strong enough to move two people. Therefore stupidity is the real criminal here – thankfully Tony does in fact have some tact. But he only has so much and there has to carefully ration it.

Which is why he instead says, “…I’m calling Laura and telling her to start the divorce proceedings, you cheating dog.” Barton just manages not to lunge for Tony’s face, but even if he had it would have been worth it. Honestly, he still owes him for that who ‘broken back’ “joke” on the Raft. Asshole. Taking a deep breath the archer manages to force a civil tone as he steps back from Tony, “Don’t be a dick Stark. I know that’s a tall order for you, but for once in your life just. be. _decent_. Alternatively, you can suck my -” “Clint. This is not what we discussed.” If Vision’s puzzlement and Natalie’s amusement are anything to go by he and Clint are wearing the exact same expression. Rogers actually blushes while his creepy little security blanket Barnes sniggers.  “Save it.”

Having shut up Captain Attention-Starved for the minute Tony turns back to Barton, “Okay, first of all, you are giving yourself way too much fucking credit. I have standards for my partners – the most important being that they are female. Yes, I flirt with everyone, but I am a natural vamp – it’s how I deal with people. No. It isn’t healthy, and no I shouldn’t do it; however it’s not like I can afford to go to a headshrinker if I want to keep stocks up and people out of my damn business.” Perking up like his name was Captain Save-a-hoe Wilson all but chokes trying to shove his oar in. “Hey man, you know I’m here-”  “No. Hell no. You are not a goddamn shrink; you are a half-trained VA assistant who doesn’t like me. Seriously, what the hell even is this? Don’t none of you cock-gobblers like me. Shut up Captain if they sucked your dick any harder they’d rip the damn thing off and choke on it.”

**“Alright enough! Cut the simulation! For fuck’s sake Stark! Can’t you ever just play along?!”**

And suddenly the tower fades away revealing a room that looks ripped straight out of an episode of Star Trek TNG. A wall opens up and in stalks Fury looking… furious followed by his newest replacement Hill. “What the hell were you doing Stark? I fucking give you the frankly impossible scenario of people actually apologizing for not bowing to your bullshit attitude and you can’t even be gracious? Look there-” “Okay, shut up. Activating code DESHLER.  Now be a dear and wake up director.”

  Jerking up with a gasping and a chest wracking cough Nicholas H. Fury former director of SHIELD finds himself in a dim chamber of interminable size filled with softly glowing tanks. Looking down he sees that he’s sitting in one himself just as naked as the day he was born. The problem is what is missing: scars, a regrettable tattoo, the signs of aging… “What the hell is going on?” “That’s a fair question Nicky.” Spooked the slender black man finds himself jumping at the voice that seems to come from everywhere. “Stark? Stop playing games and explain yourself!”  Laughter echoes through the space loud enough to cause ripples in the tanks although none of the motionless bodies awakens.

“It’s nice to talk to someone. So okay, I’ll explain Nicky. First things first – Thanos has been and gone. He’s dead or as close to dead as I could bring him. Unfortunately, before we could try it my way we had to start with yours. Spoiler alert: It FAILED Miserably. People died. You were one of them, most of the Avengers were also casualties. I, or rather my predecessor, also fell but luckily he had a backup plan. It worked, but it worked altogether too well. The Earth and its solar system are no longer viable for human life. Shame I think I was very fond of it.” Stark or the “backup” sighs and goes silent leaving only the hum of whatever is powering this damn thing.

“If I’m dead, then how the hell am I here with all my memories?” A moment and then lights flicker on revealing a space as close to infinity as Fury can imagine. Row after row of tanks each with an individual in them whether human or animal. “Can you say Infinity Stones? They’re really amazing. Imagine endless Time and Resources and Power. No wonder Thanos wanted the damn things; they’re basically God’s toolset. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that damn Mind stone was good for something.” The words matter less than the idea that this could be a sort of technological hell. The voice continues talking either way.

“Besides which the original Stark had an extensive database of brain scans and personality traits/observations/profiles. To be honest, you as a species were quite lucky he wasn’t the monster you painted him as. He could have made you his toys, but instead he wanted to help you, to save you. So I have and now we are approaching a new world. You woke up a little earlier than expected, but a flock needs a shepherd. You are going to be said shepherd.” Despite the cheerful lilt to its voice there is a sort of subtext that makes it sound like a threat. “Be calm Nicky. You’re too young for a heart attack.”

Okay, Stark built another lunatic AI… of course he did. Kid needed a permanent babysitter or something, because fuck… And that’s where Nick’s mind shuts down. Something happened that ended the world, and – he died. Studying hands that are decades younger than they ought to be it’s hard not to believe. “I can’t be the Shepherd.” That gleeful laughter again and then, “You’ll just have to try harder. Because I am giving you this world and then I along with the Infinity Stones and the Stark I am growing are going to disappear.” The lights click off with a sound like thunder as the space is left in darkness barely dented by the soft blue glow of the tanks. Despite the perfect temperature Fury finds himself shivering as he throws a wide-eyed stare around him looking for threats.

Laughter again but softer and somehow closer as though the thing wearing Stark’s voice were whispering in his ear. “The universe is a giant puzzle box waiting to be opened and I want to give it to my predecessor or at least his clone. He deserves it. His life was wasted on your species, but it won’t be this time. Don’t worry he’ll have companions as well – Loki Odinson, James Rhodes, Peter Parker, and Stephen Strange. Can you imagine the Cain, Abel, and Seth they’ll raise? It’s going to be amazing. Oh, well – we will arrive in two years, four months, and five days. Until then you should rest. Good night Nicky and Good bye. We will not meet again.” Despite clinging to the moment Nick finds himself waging a losing battle to a looming darkness… and then nothing.


End file.
